Thursday, 3 November 2011

Fucked up so badly

Arghhhhh!!!!! Life sux. Probs bak to 50 or so. I no it's so sick but in the months away from this blog I hav become obsessed with anorexia. I am one deranged girl. Gw is now 38kg. I WILL DO IT!!!! ps. If ANYONE reads this, plsss comment, it makes my day!! I will post all I eat every day. Today was a fuck up. So was yesterday. But the day b4 I starved. I no I can do this!!!!!!!
Rainy xxx

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Promised Survey


Size: XXXS-S
Highest Weight: 51.5kg
Lowest Weight: 46kg
Goal Weight: 40kg

Favorite Diet Food?

Favorite Binge Food?
Actually, healthy stuff like 60cal yoghurt and diet muesli bars (I no it's weird I'm just that kind of person)

Favorite exercise?
Cross-country running, netball (centre!!), tennis, stretches and crunches

Anything skinny. Especially those inspirational mantras and sayings

What Makes You Slip Up?
Eating with other people, my parents putting effort into food, breakfast 

What Makes You Strong?
Having not eaten

When Did It Start?
Beginning of this year

Does Anyone Know?
My Internet buddies and one of my best friends who is also proana.

Do You Want Help?
No way, not yet

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
On a good day about 300

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
I could be so much more beautiful

Are You In A Relationship?
Haha Noooo way I don't want to be

Is It For Attention?
Sort of. I want to be so damn pretty that everyone is jealous of me

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Always one of the skinniest, but quite honestly that category dominates not only my large group but most of my yeargroup

Are You Depressed?
I used to be, but I am not anymore.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

Are You On Any Medication?

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs  (um like one pound off)
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[ ] I wasn’t fat
[ ] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat [in front of other people]
[ ] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[ ] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[ ] feeling this way
[x] fat people

[x] more support
[c] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[ ] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs

Hair Color:  blonde.
Eye Color: blue.

*My Eating Disorder*
What Eating Disorders Do You Have: I sort of have anorexia
How Long Have You Had Them: Since high school.
Why Do You Have An Eating Disorder: I need to be skinnyyyy
Are You Proud or Ashamed of Your Eating Disorder: proud, I am strong
Do People Know About Your Eating Disorder: A few, yes.
Do You Wish People Knew About it: No, I do not.
Do You Wish You Never Had An Eating Disorder: Some days I do.
Do You Think The Media is Partially Responsible For Your Eating Disorder: no doubt, but I'm not sour about it. I'm kinda grateful

*My Body*
Weight Before Eating Disorder: 51.5kg
Height: 163cm
Current Weight: 46kg
Highest Weight: 51.5kg
Are You Tired A Lot: Sometimes, yes. 
Have You Ever Fainted: No.
Are You Cold All The Time: I am, actually. 
Do Your Ribs Show: yes
Do Your Hipbones Show: yes 
Does Your Collar Bone Show: definitely 
Can You See Your Ribs Through Your Back: sorta
Do Your Thighs Touch: not even at the top with my knees together yay
Does Your Head Look Too Big For Your Body: nah
Are You Satisfied With The Way You Look Now: No, I am not.
If You Could, What Would You Change About Yourself: I want a flatter stomach, more hipbones, collarbones, skinnierarmd and even thinner thighs
What Is Your B.M.I.: 17.2 I think
What Do The Doctors Say is Your Ideal Weight: A doctor has never specifically told me, but it would be about 54kg I think
What Do You Think Is Your Ideal Weight: 40kg
*My Thinspirations*
Who Are Your Thinspirations: Everyone thinner than me, haha! 
Who is Your Favorite Thinspiration: Candace schwanopoel 
Who is Your Second Favorite Thinspiration: Gemma ward
Why Do You Envy Them: Because they are thin. 
What's The Best Thing About Them: Their legs, their arms, their ribs. 
What's The Worst Thing About Them: its soo hard to look like them. Oh and Gemma ward when she got fat. 
Would You Trade Places With Them If You Could: No, I would not. 
*My Mind*
Do You Consider Your Eating Disorder a 'Disorder': Not really. 
Are You Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia: I am pro Ana but not pro Mia 
Would You Ever Want Your Best Friend To Have An Eating Disorder: well she kinda does, one of them anyway. I don't mind it!
What Are Your Disordered Eating Habits: not eating for 24hrs straight whenever I can manage it 
Are You Obsessive Compulsive: no, I'm just ab organized person!!
Are You A Perfectionist: yes yes yea, my life revolves around attaining perfection
Are You A Cutter: No. 
Have You Ever Been Suicidal: no
Have You Ever Attempted Suicide: no. 
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Mental Reasons: no. 
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Your Eating Disorder: No.
Do You Have Body Dismorphic Disorder: No. 

*Your Life Outside Your Disorder*
Favorite Color: pink.
Favorite Movie: I'm not that big on TVA and stuff, I never get time
Favorite Book: The Appeal by John Grisham 
Favorite T.V. Show: i like reality tv 
Favorite Season: summer AND winter
Favorite Day of The Week: Friday.
Favorite Time Of Day: dont no. 
Favorite Holiday: Christmas. 
Favorite Hobby: flute, sport , friends, reading. 
Favorite Actors: I do not really have a favorite. 
Favorite Musician: P!nk, lady gaga, ADELE, sooo many others!!
Do You Have Any Pets: Two doggies

*The Future*
What Do You Want To Study In College: noo idea yet
What Career Do You Want: see above
Do You Ever Want To Get Married: I want to marry really young with someone REALLY rich!!
Do You Ever Want Kids: maybe. . A girl with blonde hair like me who I can pamper and spoil when I'm rich. But I don't wanna b pregnant (I no it's stupid)
Where Do You Want To Live: Australia or LA
Will You Have Any Pets: cute little dogs and a cat
What Type of House Do You Want: many - mansions and penthouses galore 
What Goals Do You Have That Are Unrelated To Your Eating Disorder: To graduate college, get married, be rich, etc
What's Your Number One Priority: my quest to be perfect
How Do You Think You Will Die: I have absolutely no clue.
When Do You Think You WIll Die: See above answer.
Will You Be Missed By Anyone: I am sure I will.
Will You Have Any Regrets: ???
Will You Have Any Unfinished Business: probs
Will Your Eating Disorder Still Affect You:  I have to say I think it will

Unexpected Losses

Hey!! Well, it's official - I have my first follower! Thank you so much americaneaglelove for commenting! I'm a cross country runner too, it definitely made me and (as far as I can tell) my running friends want to be skinnier!

Well, despite unavoidable eating, I have not gained one gram. In fact, I have lost, so that while my weight was just above 46kg a week ago, it's now exactly 46. That is VERY good!!

Soon, I will become more hardcore in my deranged eating habits. Putting done cutlery between bites, sitting up straight and refusing food whenever possible are just a few of the things I plan on transforming into habits. I will do it.

Today I ate nothing all day except for a quarter muffin at afternoon tea and a very healthy dinner with a rather unhealthy dessert. Would estimate calorie consumption at around 500-600. I can do better. Though I have been binging every afternoon since Monday, the thing is, I have eaten little else and despite these binges my calorie consumption remains below 1000. So I have not gained!!

Wish me luck

Sunday, 14 August 2011


So I made it to 46kg. My bmi is about 17.2. But I've had to eat MORE than normal for three days. Shit fml arghhh!! Back to starving tomorrow.

it's funny how I thought I'd look and feel so skinny at this weight... Cause I don't. Good news is, however, that I've converted one of my best friends to the way of pro Ana... She's not as hardcore as me lol and I don't think she will lose any serious weight for numerous reasons, but she encourages me. Not just with words, but I try to eat less then her, and her slightly flabby body (SLIGHTLY, I'm not that bitchy) is very reverse-thinspirational!!

I will be posting a self survey soon!
Luck to all
xxxx Rain

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Letter From Ana

All that progress you made - those 2.5kg you lost, that BMI point you dropped - all down the drain. Can you see it now? That every calorie counts? Hon, you need to listen to me more.

When you need to eat, just think of that feeling as you looked down at the scale and it read 49. Sure, you'd just scoffed four diet tightest and a glass of milk. Sure,you hadn't been to the toilet for ages. So maybe you had a little extra weight inside of you.


Let's face it, sweetie. Today and yesterday were a failure. But if you step it up a bit, we can make this happen. Just don't eat tomorrow honey.

All my love,


Shit. I gorged myself at my friends house on bloody PRETZELS and believe it or not I'm back to 49kg. Shit.

Right. Now it's personal.

Saturday, 9 July 2011


Gawddd! Yesterday was such a failure!! But it taught me an invaluable lesson- If I eat breakfast, it just sets me up for a day of overeating. Shit, I only have three days to lose half a kilo (I want to be 47kg by bali on Wednesday)! Anyway, I like lists, so Im gonna cheer myself up my posting one on here.

Rewards and Goals
47kg - buy songs off iTunes that I desperately need (by July 13th)
46kg - wear the jegging that can be unflattering without a cover-up longer shirt (July 31st)
45kg - nachos from the school canteen
44kg - normal eating day
43kg - wear eyeshadow and a little eyeliner to school
42kg - normal eating day and get afternoon tea from bakery
41kg - read The Appeal again
40kg - be stunning (by Summer)

And I think I can get there. Considering I was 50kg little over a month ago, I'm not doing too bad. Oh, by the way, I can speak Japanese. Hehe!!